symptoms the blogosphere didn't tell me about

Hello!

So, I returned yesterday from a great girls weekend in San Francisco and Napa Valley. Telling you about all our experiences, the amazine dinner, the wine tasting, laughs, the fun.. that would make a great blog post and would be lovely to read about.

However, I'm not writing about that. When I got home, I met a new pregnancy symptom. And that's the topic of this blog post.

My butt pain.

I have been pretty good about not being graphic on this blog, so if you don't think you want to read about my butt paid, feel free to stop reading. I'll return to regular scheduled programming with the next blog post, where I'll talk about yoga, my growing belly, or perhaps, our thoughts on child care.

Back to this post.

So, I'm unpacking from the trip, and I'm thinking, "you know I have this burning sensation in my butt. Is this normal? I don't feel like I have to go, it's not constipation. I know what constipation feels like. (Coincidentally, speaking of constipation, I think that will be the next segment in this new series, symptoms the blogosphere didn't tell me about.)

So, I decide to call the Nurse Line. My insurance company has this 24-hour nurse line staffed by maternity nurses. I figure they are probably sitting around waiting to hear about my butt pain, so, let's see what they say.

I get Nurse Jackie. She tells me, pregnancy can be uncomfortable and painful sometimes, especially first time pregnancy and, as she scans her computer screen and notices my the box marked multiples is checked, she exclaims, "especially for twin moms!"

Nurse Jackie continues, "So there is a lot of movement and discomfort and weight of the babies on your pelvis and anus, and sometimes that can cause pain."

She also explained hemorroids, which I had heard of, but never really knew about.

She told me to switch positions if I wasn't comfortable and wished me "Feel Better" as we ended the phone call.

I yelled for Carlos to discuss the situation. "It hurts so bad," I said, "Can you look?" Thank God I didn't marry a man that I didn't feel comfortable asking to look at my butt.

Me: OK, just tell if you can see anything out of the oridinary, leaning over.

Carlos, probably thinking, "this is the first time I've inspected your butt in this way, how am I suppsed to know if anythign is different?

Me: Tell me what it looks like. Is it red? Inflamed?

He is looking and I'm trying to separate to give him a better view, even though it hurts. I remembered something the nurse said. "Do you see grapes?"

Carlos: Yes, I see a grape.

Me: What? Seriously. I wanna see.

Carlos. Ok, hang on.

He knows what this means and goes for the digital camera. Yes, I was asking my husband to take a photo of my buttcrack. What did we do before digital cameras? Yes, I know, we deprived ourselves of these amazing husband-takes-photo-of-wife's-butt-experiences.

After i hear the sound of the shutter, I'm like, Ok, give me the camera.

OHIGOSH.. So I saw it. Yes, a grape. On the outside. I have a hemorroid!!

Nasty.

But at least I knew what it was. So, I called back Nurse Jackie and asked her what to do about it. She told me of Tuck's witch hazel and sitz baths. She also told me that they usually go away after delivery.

I'm thinking.. what? I was sorta hoping I'd buy this Tucks stuff, sit in the bath, and it would go away after dinner!

So, it hasn't gone away. I slept with like 10 pillows, finally getting comfortable, and now I'm leaning on my side, while I type this, and I do think I'm going to live.

But, man, never knew about this symptom. I had to prepare the rest of you for this exciting part of mom-dom.

Yes, I am 100% sure this is all more than worth it. Thank God for our babies!