ICLW

Hello -

For my non-IF blog readers, the title of this post is International Comment Leaving Week, which occurs at the end of each month.

This is the first time I have participated, and those of us that play are focusing on reading and leaving comments on other blogs. And for me, focusing on some that I have never read before.

Thanks to ICLW, I learned about April Rose. I don't know how I missed this scandal! Just google it, if you hadn't heard yet.

For those of you that are visiting my blog for the first time because of ICLW, THANK YOU! Here's a link to one of my early posts which tells our story. Once you read that, you'll know I'm not pregnant. To bring you up-to-date, we're trying again in August with a FET.

So, Father's Day was okay. I sent Carlos a facebook message from our four little frozen embryos saying Happy Fathers Day to the best dad ever. He never mentioned it, so I'm not sure whether it made him sad or happy. A few times I have underestimated the impact that trying to conceive has had on him. Just because he doesn't talk about it all the time and research constantly and ask questions to the doctors and have blog friends all over the world does not mean he is not majorly impacted by all this. He got a free beer glass at the restaurant that we went to yesterday. i appreciated that they didn't ask.

On Southwest they had a promotion where dads get a free drink when they show a photo of their kids. We flew Southwest on Saturday, rather than Sunday, but i wonder what they would have said if we show them these.

Thanks for stopping by.

Doing Better Lately

Wow, I've been really bad about blogging lately.

I wanted to post tonight, especially since my last post was so down.

I'm doing much better, really enjoying this break of not having my life completely consumed with shots, acupuncture, blood tests, ultrasound monitoring, etc.

And it's been really nice to work out, eat whatever I want, take a bath, go swimming, etc.. I think this break will be nice before we try again with Frozen Embryo IVF #2 in August.

So, I did go back and have my beta tested again. The doctor wanted to make sure it went back down to zero, just to be sure there wasn't something lingering like an ectopic or something. The result was >2. i would have preferred zero, but whatever, it's negative, and the doc doesn't seem to have any concern.

A few things that have made me happy lately.

Last Friday, I volunteered at Loaves and Fishes. I served as a hostess during lunch for about 450 homeless people. what an amazing experience. I'm telling you, when you feel down on yourself, go there.. I enjoyed serving everyone and getting to talk to a few people. I also got many compliments, which was nice. Sometimes creepy, but mostly nice. I thought it was very creative when one guy said, "I forgot my phone number, can I have yours?" I just smiled and said, "that's a good one."

I just clarified to ya'll that I didn't give the random toothless homeless man my number. I'm Mrs. Obvious.

Anyway, then this week, I had a business trip to Napa. Rough life, I know. Nice to get to do some tastings with my team.. Which of course, I would not have been able to do (and it would have been really weird to make up some reason not to) if i was pregnant. So that was nice.

So, I've been super busy, and no random crying spells since that one horrible day back home.

However....I still think about it from time to time, and I still want to know what happened.

I know people say, well, it wasn't a viable pregnancy, the baby probably had issues and it's better that it happened early. but wait! we paid major extra money before transfer to test our embryos to make sure they didn't have chromosomal issues and they would be viable.

But, I still want to know what happened. I still want to know the reason we didn't have a lasting pregnancy with this cycle. I want to know the biological reasons, the process, the step-by-step, this happened and then that happened, and then poof, no more baby. If I knew those things, then I could resarch how to know how to avoid this and that. And what is the likelihood of this and that happening again. I'd like to be in control of all of that.

Even a theory would be helpful. But I know i am not going to get that. So I'll just enjoy this break, and try to be hopeful, and keep taking care of myself until August when my life and thoughts will be once again consumed with the possibility of a pregnancy that results in a healthy baby.

not doing good today

or yesterday.. actually.

And I know that proper grammar is "doing well" - but I don't care. I'm not doing good. Or well.

The last two days I have been crying for no apparant reason. And I can't figure it out. I mean, there have been reasons, but the reasons are things that would not normally make me spontaneously cry.. I can normally handle a lot, and I'm a very positive, happy person. Normally, anyway.

Quick context: Carlos and I live in two places which are a several hours plane ride from each other. There's Place A, where we have our house, the one we designed and built right before we started goign to Place B. We love that Place. That's Home. Then there is Place B, which is our temporary home for two years, where we spend most of our time. We also love Place B and are enjoying the adventure. But it's not Home.

So, we travel together to Place A about once a month for a long weekend. But we hadn't been in aboout 6 weeks, since we had been doing the IVF cycle in Place B.

So, poor Carlos is on a business trip in Milan, Paris, and Madrid, so I figured I would go Home (A) since I didn't really want to stay in Temporary Home by myself. We don't have many/any freinds in Temporary Home.

So, when I got home, there were weeds and landscpaing issues and a leak caused by broken air-conditioner coils. This problem air conditioner on our house that is Only.Two.Years.Old. So.. because of dealing with AC Guy and Landscape Guy on Saturday morning, I missed getting to see one of my friends that I haven't seen in forever. A freind that I was dying to see. Because I don't have any freinds in Place B, where we have been for 6 weeks without coming home. So, when I realized that I wasn't going to get to see her, because I still had to deal with contractors at the house, I started crying. Actually I was crying on the phone, but I don't think she noticed.

So, other little things happened.. and the rest of the day.. in the shower, when Carlos called, when my dad called, right now as I write this, probably like 10 times this weekend, I have just spontaneously cried.

My MIL called last night, and I cried then, too. She was very sweet and told me that it's probably he hormones. And I do realize that hormones Completely.Rule.Our.Bodies.And our emotions, too. I get that. But .. I haven't taken hormones since Monday.

I took way more hormones during my actual cycle. I mean, shit, I was injecting myself with the pee of menopausal women, forheavensake. (You guys know, that's what Menopur is, right?) And I wasn't feeling this way. I was on 300 units daily of Gonal-F, and I wasn't feeling this way. I took the Lupron, and nothing. I had grapefruits the size of ovaries (I'm not fixing that, you know what I mean.) And I didn't have side effects at all.

And now, I'm off the hormones. And I cry at the drop of a hat. I handled all the hormones, no side effects, and NOW I'm crying. Mother Nature, WTF?

I figured it out. I managed to stay positive before, because I was so hopeful. It was all so new and different. I was focused on learning and doing everything I needed to do. I read the internet, I read the materials, I learned about PGD, IVF. Everyday, I had acupuncture or a blood test or an ultrasound, or something.

But now, it's over.. So maybe my body is in withdrawl from the hormones. or maybe I just don't have anything to keep my mind focused on, nothing to be positive and hopeful about. Yes, I have my 4 frozen embryos, and I am excited about them, but I have nothing to do with them for two months.

So, I've got to get something to focus on.

I met wtih my old trainer that I worked out with a lot when we were here in Place A more often, and I had a great workout. I want to get all my strength back, and be in great shape before my next IVF. I want to make my body strong for my babies. I will need to be strong and fit and have energy for pregnancy and for lifting our baby and all that other crap you have to lug everywhere. (although, truth be told, I really don't understand why you have to lug all that crap everywhere.)

So, I'm going to focus on myself. I'm going to take better care of myself. I'm going to try to get in a better habit of eating well, working out, and sleeping more regularly. I'm going to get massages. I'm going to think about meditating, and if I like it, I'll do it. I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself, but I'm going to focus on me.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to try to focus on Carlos, too. I know this has been hard on him, too, and he's been strong for both of us. So, I've got two months. I'm going to focus on me, and focus on Us..

And if I spontaneously cry every now and then, That's okay.

what's next?

Disclaimer: For my 3 or 4 readers who know me in real life and are not affected with infertility, I have to tell you that IF bloggers sometimes describe bodily functions on these blogs. I actually spared the blogosphere of my constipation story, but I might be writing that one for posterity soon. I don't have the daily pre and post IVF news these days, so I might have to dredge up some expereinces that i neglected documeting. Consider yourself warned.

So, anyway, in current bodily function news, I got my period on Tuesday this week. I was glad that it came quickly after I stopped the endometrin and estrogen. Aunt Flo came with a vengeance. I was prepared for it to be heavier than normal, but oh my, this is extreme. Also different was that I had red blood the first day, then brown blood, then red. I have never had red the first day. For me, it was an indication that this cycle, something was different. There may be another medical reason for it (or no reason at all) but for me, it told me, this was a different cycle. This cycle, I was pregnant. Not "very" pregnant, and not for a very long time, but I was pregnant. And I will get pregnant again.

I went to Bunko on Wednesday night and had a glass of wine and then even had a drink on the flight home tonight. Two drinks in two days is probably more than I've had since college. But whatever.

I emailed with the doctor today. Signs of a good doctor: He gives you his email address at retrieval and tells you to use it whenever. He doesn't back off when your husband tells him, oh she will really take you up on that. Are you sure you want to do that?

Thanks, babe.

I wrote a very nice, driect, succint email asking two highly-intelligent questions.

I wanted to know what he suggested for birth control, since we are taking off two months before our frozen embryo transfer. I know some of you may think i'm crazy, but I really actually think we could get pregnant. We didn't try THAT long before we found out we were both carriers for cystic fibrosis. AND.. my husband's sperm dramatically improved after surgery, vitamins and weight loss (who knows which one, if any). Improved to the point where it's completely normal now.

Since we do not want to conceive naturally and risk passing on this horrible disease, we need to use some type of birth control. I asked about the Pill because cramps, backache, and heavy flow are not my favorite things. The RE said that the pill could mess with ovulation, and he suggested condoms and "foam."

Foam? I am going to have to research that one. I don't have any expereince with foam. Styrofoam? What? (Just kidding, I know not styrofoam.)

I'm sure we'll figure out something. At least I got an answer, no BCPs.

Then I also asked him about my estradiol levels. I had read on someone else's blog (TY, BTW) that high estradiol levels at transfer can create a "less than perfect" uterine environment. I just wanted his opinion on that, because I had uber high estradiol levels at retirieval. So I assume they were still at least somehwat high at transfer. I asked if he thought I might have more success with natural FET because my estrogen levels would not be unnaturally high. He concurred that high estradiol can cause an imperfect uterine enviroment, but of course said that pregnancy is possible under those curcumstances.

I was just looking for some reason for why.. and some hope that a future IVF would precede a trip to the hospital and a trip home with a baby nine months later. And I got it. A little more hope. Thanks, Doc.

Oh yeah, I actually asked him three questions. Now you see why Carlos was nervous for the emailing Doctor.

I asked him about the benefits of a natural FET cycle vs. a medicated FET cycle. He says the success rate is virtually the same in ovulatory women, and why take a bunch of shots if you don't have to? My email emphasized that I will do whatever shots are necessary however many times a day in whatever places on my body if it will increase our chances even a fraction of a percent. I just want a healthy pregnancy and baby, and if that means shots and drugs, then bring them on! Whatever it takes.

So, the plan is FET in August. I have to take off this cycle, and I just have too much going on in July. So, August it is.

Does anyone else calculate their due date as soon as they plan their cycle date? I have had so many due dates.

I am excited that I will be cycling with some blogosphere freinds. I really hope we all get pregnant *and* have babies exactly nine months after our good, high beta news!

Cheers! I'll be drinking to that this weekend!

IVF #1 is oficially over.

So finally.. it's over.

I went in for my beta this morning. I knew when the RE, instead of the nurse called, that it was not good news.

My beta was 15. It dropped for the first time. He doesn't think it was ectopic, just an early miscarriage.

Since I was pregnant, he says I need to wait to try a frozen cycle. So, that means July. But the last two weeks in July, I'll be in an Executive Training program in Massachusetts. So, that means August.

I will probably update the blog at least a few times between now and then. You'll all want to know when AF comes, right? :) I've really enjoyed writing and "meeting" so many people. Thanks for all your support.

I plan to go home this weekend, get my nails done, drink some wine, go running, and just enjoy not worrying about constant betas, acupuncture, appointments, etc.

I'm sad, of course, but hopeful and thankful that we will be parents soon! Thank God for our four totsicles.. Just praying they thaw well when the time comes!