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Sunday, June 7, 2009

not doing good today

or yesterday.. actually.

And I know that proper grammar is "doing well" - but I don't care. I'm not doing good. Or well.

The last two days I have been crying for no apparant reason. And I can't figure it out. I mean, there have been reasons, but the reasons are things that would not normally make me spontaneously cry.. I can normally handle a lot, and I'm a very positive, happy person. Normally, anyway.

Quick context: Carlos and I live in two places which are a several hours plane ride from each other. There's Place A, where we have our house, the one we designed and built right before we started goign to Place B. We love that Place. That's Home. Then there is Place B, which is our temporary home for two years, where we spend most of our time. We also love Place B and are enjoying the adventure. But it's not Home.

So, we travel together to Place A about once a month for a long weekend. But we hadn't been in aboout 6 weeks, since we had been doing the IVF cycle in Place B.

So, poor Carlos is on a business trip in Milan, Paris, and Madrid, so I figured I would go Home (A) since I didn't really want to stay in Temporary Home by myself. We don't have many/any freinds in Temporary Home.

So, when I got home, there were weeds and landscpaing issues and a leak caused by broken air-conditioner coils. This problem air conditioner on our house that is Only.Two.Years.Old. So.. because of dealing with AC Guy and Landscape Guy on Saturday morning, I missed getting to see one of my friends that I haven't seen in forever. A freind that I was dying to see. Because I don't have any freinds in Place B, where we have been for 6 weeks without coming home. So, when I realized that I wasn't going to get to see her, because I still had to deal with contractors at the house, I started crying. Actually I was crying on the phone, but I don't think she noticed.

So, other little things happened.. and the rest of the day.. in the shower, when Carlos called, when my dad called, right now as I write this, probably like 10 times this weekend, I have just spontaneously cried.

My MIL called last night, and I cried then, too. She was very sweet and told me that it's probably he hormones. And I do realize that hormones Completely.Rule.Our.Bodies.And our emotions, too. I get that. But .. I haven't taken hormones since Monday.

I took way more hormones during my actual cycle. I mean, shit, I was injecting myself with the pee of menopausal women, forheavensake. (You guys know, that's what Menopur is, right?) And I wasn't feeling this way. I was on 300 units daily of Gonal-F, and I wasn't feeling this way. I took the Lupron, and nothing. I had grapefruits the size of ovaries (I'm not fixing that, you know what I mean.) And I didn't have side effects at all.

And now, I'm off the hormones. And I cry at the drop of a hat. I handled all the hormones, no side effects, and NOW I'm crying. Mother Nature, WTF?

I figured it out. I managed to stay positive before, because I was so hopeful. It was all so new and different. I was focused on learning and doing everything I needed to do. I read the internet, I read the materials, I learned about PGD, IVF. Everyday, I had acupuncture or a blood test or an ultrasound, or something.

But now, it's over.. So maybe my body is in withdrawl from the hormones. or maybe I just don't have anything to keep my mind focused on, nothing to be positive and hopeful about. Yes, I have my 4 frozen embryos, and I am excited about them, but I have nothing to do with them for two months.

So, I've got to get something to focus on.

I met wtih my old trainer that I worked out with a lot when we were here in Place A more often, and I had a great workout. I want to get all my strength back, and be in great shape before my next IVF. I want to make my body strong for my babies. I will need to be strong and fit and have energy for pregnancy and for lifting our baby and all that other crap you have to lug everywhere. (although, truth be told, I really don't understand why you have to lug all that crap everywhere.)

So, I'm going to focus on myself. I'm going to take better care of myself. I'm going to try to get in a better habit of eating well, working out, and sleeping more regularly. I'm going to get massages. I'm going to think about meditating, and if I like it, I'll do it. I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself, but I'm going to focus on me.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to try to focus on Carlos, too. I know this has been hard on him, too, and he's been strong for both of us. So, I've got two months. I'm going to focus on me, and focus on Us..

And if I spontaneously cry every now and then, That's okay.


KJ said...

Hey the same thing happened to me. Not sure why, but I definitely remember it that way. Its like I had so much to concentrate on during the cycle and then there was just nothing. Very strange. Hope place A was lovely despite the issues.

Hang in there. Miss you and I'll definitely be in touch this week.

'Murgdan' said...

It takes awhile...and I think it's just a normal part of the grieving process. I'm glad I took a cycle off to go through this, although I'm sick of spontaneously tearing up over here.

I hate that this has to hurt so bad.

Sara said...

I'm so sorry that your cycle didn't work out. It's natural that you would be a bit fragile now. I hope that this feeling passes quickly, and that your FET has a great result.

Erin W. said...

I think it all is part of the process of any big event that involves a lot of planning and coordination of schedules. You have something you have to focus all/most of your energy on and then it is done and you have NO CLUE what to do with all that time.
Good luck with the work out!!!

Brenna said...

Sending you lots of love & support. I go through periods where I'm great, I'm great, I'm great, then suddely I fall apart for the tiniest reason. It happens--you're absolutely normal to feel what you're feeling. I think you're wise to focus on taking care of yourself, eating right, and exercising--that's sometimes the only thing that can pull me out of a major funk. (((Hugs)))

Flower said...

I pray that you will have peace very soon. ((hugs))

courtney said...

Gabby! I'm doing the same thing! I really thought it was just me, but maybe this is hormone withdrawls. On Saturday I cried in a shoe store for heavens sake. I am so sorry things are going this way, and I feel like I can truely say I understand... but I'm sitting in the same place you are, just trying hour by hour to move on and not think about the next few months until we decide what's next. Hang in there girl!

Michele said...

Honey, you lost your pregnancy and your babies- of course you are sad and cry at the drop of a hat. It's okay. Let yourself cry as you need to.

donna said...

You have a great plan. But also do remember that just because you stopped taking the hormones days ago, doesn't mean that they aren't still in your body and messing with you. Plus you have all your natural hormones that go with your period. Just give yourself permission to feel what you feel.

Our Journey... said...

Amen to what Michele said. You have EVERY reason to be upset and that's not even counting the hormone withdrawal that your body must be going through. I always hate coming OFF the hormones for that very reason. Hang in there!

sophia said...

I hope your journey back to place B went ok this morning. Been thiking about you a ton. You are so strong and so positive... all of these emotions must feel so foreign. Allow yourself to work through all this, to acknowledge it, to know that our bodies and our hormones sometimes don't work in sync with our logical and rational sides (dagnabit!).

p.s. love the idea of "grapefruits the size of ovaries."

Anonymous said...

sounds really rough. you're going through a lot, let yourself feel the emotions. It's not easy. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Also, I think you're very brave with what your'e doing to make sure not to impart CF on your kids. I work with children with disabilities and spoek at a CF support group. One woman had 5 children with CF. Some doing very badly. She said she kept hoping the next one would not have it. All her hcildren are special ofcourse because they are here in this world now, but its not easy for them, and its not easy for the parents.

Lillian said...

i love your writing style...feels like you're talking to your readers. i wish you well on your two-months-of-taking-care-of-you endeavor. lillian

Jaymee said...

ah, the joys of hormone withdrawls. i have the exact same problem, i am on a ton of hormones and then a mess when they are taken away. add in the lack of obsessive internet research and i go completely nuts.

i promise this will get better.

sassy said...

All of this is so hard, such a rollercoaster, I think sometimes the shock after the treatments is worse than the treatments themvelves! I have a friend who had twins from IVF 3 years ago - and she's going through depression -now. Crazy, huh. Sucks, I hate it, I wouldn't want this kind of pain for anyone.