not doing good today

or yesterday.. actually.

And I know that proper grammar is "doing well" - but I don't care. I'm not doing good. Or well.

The last two days I have been crying for no apparant reason. And I can't figure it out. I mean, there have been reasons, but the reasons are things that would not normally make me spontaneously cry.. I can normally handle a lot, and I'm a very positive, happy person. Normally, anyway.

Quick context: Carlos and I live in two places which are a several hours plane ride from each other. There's Place A, where we have our house, the one we designed and built right before we started goign to Place B. We love that Place. That's Home. Then there is Place B, which is our temporary home for two years, where we spend most of our time. We also love Place B and are enjoying the adventure. But it's not Home.

So, we travel together to Place A about once a month for a long weekend. But we hadn't been in aboout 6 weeks, since we had been doing the IVF cycle in Place B.

So, poor Carlos is on a business trip in Milan, Paris, and Madrid, so I figured I would go Home (A) since I didn't really want to stay in Temporary Home by myself. We don't have many/any freinds in Temporary Home.

So, when I got home, there were weeds and landscpaing issues and a leak caused by broken air-conditioner coils. This problem air conditioner on our house that is Only.Two.Years.Old. So.. because of dealing with AC Guy and Landscape Guy on Saturday morning, I missed getting to see one of my friends that I haven't seen in forever. A freind that I was dying to see. Because I don't have any freinds in Place B, where we have been for 6 weeks without coming home. So, when I realized that I wasn't going to get to see her, because I still had to deal with contractors at the house, I started crying. Actually I was crying on the phone, but I don't think she noticed.

So, other little things happened.. and the rest of the day.. in the shower, when Carlos called, when my dad called, right now as I write this, probably like 10 times this weekend, I have just spontaneously cried.

My MIL called last night, and I cried then, too. She was very sweet and told me that it's probably he hormones. And I do realize that hormones Completely.Rule.Our.Bodies.And our emotions, too. I get that. But .. I haven't taken hormones since Monday.

I took way more hormones during my actual cycle. I mean, shit, I was injecting myself with the pee of menopausal women, forheavensake. (You guys know, that's what Menopur is, right?) And I wasn't feeling this way. I was on 300 units daily of Gonal-F, and I wasn't feeling this way. I took the Lupron, and nothing. I had grapefruits the size of ovaries (I'm not fixing that, you know what I mean.) And I didn't have side effects at all.

And now, I'm off the hormones. And I cry at the drop of a hat. I handled all the hormones, no side effects, and NOW I'm crying. Mother Nature, WTF?

I figured it out. I managed to stay positive before, because I was so hopeful. It was all so new and different. I was focused on learning and doing everything I needed to do. I read the internet, I read the materials, I learned about PGD, IVF. Everyday, I had acupuncture or a blood test or an ultrasound, or something.

But now, it's over.. So maybe my body is in withdrawl from the hormones. or maybe I just don't have anything to keep my mind focused on, nothing to be positive and hopeful about. Yes, I have my 4 frozen embryos, and I am excited about them, but I have nothing to do with them for two months.

So, I've got to get something to focus on.

I met wtih my old trainer that I worked out with a lot when we were here in Place A more often, and I had a great workout. I want to get all my strength back, and be in great shape before my next IVF. I want to make my body strong for my babies. I will need to be strong and fit and have energy for pregnancy and for lifting our baby and all that other crap you have to lug everywhere. (although, truth be told, I really don't understand why you have to lug all that crap everywhere.)

So, I'm going to focus on myself. I'm going to take better care of myself. I'm going to try to get in a better habit of eating well, working out, and sleeping more regularly. I'm going to get massages. I'm going to think about meditating, and if I like it, I'll do it. I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself, but I'm going to focus on me.

Oh yeah, and I'm going to try to focus on Carlos, too. I know this has been hard on him, too, and he's been strong for both of us. So, I've got two months. I'm going to focus on me, and focus on Us..

And if I spontaneously cry every now and then, That's okay.