Wow, I've been really bad about blogging lately.
I wanted to post tonight, especially since my last post was so down.
I'm doing much better, really enjoying this break of not having my life completely consumed with shots, acupuncture, blood tests, ultrasound monitoring, etc.
And it's been really nice to work out, eat whatever I want, take a bath, go swimming, etc.. I think this break will be nice before we try again with Frozen Embryo IVF #2 in August.
So, I did go back and have my beta tested again. The doctor wanted to make sure it went back down to zero, just to be sure there wasn't something lingering like an ectopic or something. The result was >2. i would have preferred zero, but whatever, it's negative, and the doc doesn't seem to have any concern.
A few things that have made me happy lately.
Last Friday, I volunteered at Loaves and Fishes. I served as a hostess during lunch for about 450 homeless people. what an amazing experience. I'm telling you, when you feel down on yourself, go there.. I enjoyed serving everyone and getting to talk to a few people. I also got many compliments, which was nice. Sometimes creepy, but mostly nice. I thought it was very creative when one guy said, "I forgot my phone number, can I have yours?" I just smiled and said, "that's a good one."
I just clarified to ya'll that I didn't give the random toothless homeless man my number. I'm Mrs. Obvious.
Anyway, then this week, I had a business trip to Napa. Rough life, I know. Nice to get to do some tastings with my team.. Which of course, I would not have been able to do (and it would have been really weird to make up some reason not to) if i was pregnant. So that was nice.
So, I've been super busy, and no random crying spells since that one horrible day back home.
However....I still think about it from time to time, and I still want to know what happened.
I know people say, well, it wasn't a viable pregnancy, the baby probably had issues and it's better that it happened early. but wait! we paid major extra money before transfer to test our embryos to make sure they didn't have chromosomal issues and they would be viable.
But, I still want to know what happened. I still want to know the reason we didn't have a lasting pregnancy with this cycle. I want to know the biological reasons, the process, the step-by-step, this happened and then that happened, and then poof, no more baby. If I knew those things, then I could resarch how to know how to avoid this and that. And what is the likelihood of this and that happening again. I'd like to be in control of all of that.
Even a theory would be helpful. But I know i am not going to get that. So I'll just enjoy this break, and try to be hopeful, and keep taking care of myself until August when my life and thoughts will be once again consumed with the possibility of a pregnancy that results in a healthy baby.
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12 comments:
It is so hard when there are no concrete answers. When you think about the fact that a "normal" couple has only a 20-25% chance of conceiving each month, and when they do, early miscarriages happen so often, many before they even know that they were pregnant at all, it's a wonder that any babies ever get born.
It seems when they can do so much to get you to a certain point, why can't they make it go all the way? Or at least tell you why or what to do to make it work.
I'm rambling. But I know it's frustrating when no one can give you any answers. Hugs!
oh honey... miscarriages are so hard to reason. the odds for both iui and ivf are not on our side. According to the CDC less than 35% of fresh IVFs end in pregnancy; of frozen cycles, the rate drops to 28% (and that is a live birth rate not a pregnancy rate). Most clinics that I've read literature from put their success rates at 20% or under. So much weighs on it. Healthy babies being reintroduced into the uterus dont always implant the way that a "natural" conception does. I know that doesnt help take the hurt away. But I wanted to offer something. We dont do IVF, but our RE had explained the basics to us when we had our first consult and she said the worst part is having to explain to parents why the best and brightest looking babies dont implant and pregnancies dont continue.
I'm glad you are feeling better but, from miscarriage experience, I know you are still hurting. I'm sending big hugs and hope.
So glad you've had a few good weeks. It is such a hard road to walk.
Sorry you are left wondering what happened, when is your follow up appt? I would make a lot of noise if they are trying to put you off on that. The first m/c I figured I knew what happened (pretty much same as you) so I didn't schedule a follow up; bad plan on my part. I think it is really beneficial to have a sit down with the RE (and your DH if possible) where everyone is fully clothed, and just make sure you are all on the same page about what happened, and what the best next step is.
Even though I had planned to do the FET cycle next after my last m/c; I felt 100% better about it after my follow up. Good luck!
The unknown sucks. I think what makes it worse, is that you just want one thing you can control, so that it doesn't happen again.
YAY for wine tasting and volunteer work. Glad you are doing better!!
Glad to see your update. And so so glad to see that you're recalibrating. (Virtual) hugs for now and good vibes already in the works for August!
(((Hugs)))
The unknown sucks especially when we want answers so bad.
Hang in there hun.
Good Luck with the August Cycle!
*ICLW*
Many hughs for you!
ICLW #31
Thanks for visiting my blog. I hope the TCM does wonders for both of us. Also like you I'm enjoying a break. Eating what I want. Drinking strong coffee. I'll be checking on you to see how your FET goes in August. We'll be cycle buddies.
ICLW
I'm sorry to hear of the bad news from IVF #1. Especially when there are no clear answers as to why. I've had the same experience, and am now taking a break too. It is nice to have a glass of wine again!
Good luck in August!
Take care!!!
ICLW
Hi Gabby! I think about you all the time, too, and really hope that the August cycle does the trick. I have many friends (at least 4 that I can think of off the top of my head!) who've gotten pregnant on their FET cycles. You sound great--your life sounds full of things outside of this crazy IF universe, which is always a good thing. Balance, that's the key. I'm sure I'll be checking in plenty between now and August, but I'm sending lots and lots of good vibes when the time comes~
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