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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

the news...

...is not so good..

and there is a really really long story, but i'll just give the short version.

I do have HCG in my blood and it did technically double from Sunday to Tuesday.

However.. the levels are really really low..

my first beta was 5.2 and my second beta was 10.4.

I have heard they should be around 100. People talk about low betas... and they are in the thirties. we're talking single digits here.

I had a very very rough evening and I am now trying to be positive. Theoretically, that we could have a miracle on our hands. And I do believe in miracles. But I'm not holding my breath. And I am not stopping the progesterone either.

I'm a lot better than i was an hour ago. There was lots of screaming and crying. This day was a mess - longer version later, but I went from knowing I was pregnant, to hearing these numbers and knowing I'm not pregnant.

I'm pretty sure it's a chemical pregnancy.

Carlos says the RE wants me to come back and test on Saturday. I said I want to go home this weekend. Or Vegas. Or Hawaii. So, I am going to ask if I can test on Thursday, rather than Saturday. I can't wait that long to get on with my life.

This sucks. Sorry I had to say it.

I still know it's in God's hands, but it sucks.

14 comments:

chrys said...

i wish i could hug you right now. i've thought about you all night.

will continue to pray...

much love, friend.

Jaymee said...

many good thoughts and hugs coming your way!!

donna said...

I've been thinking of you all night too. I'm sorry the news is not what we'd hoped for exactly but there is still some hope.

I hope you can get your blood draw early and then go be where you feel comforted. I'll keep thinking of you.

Heide said...

Oh Sweetie, this just sucks. I am so sorry. I had such a strong feeling that this was your cycle. I've been thinking about you all night and was seriously hoping for different news when I checked in. (((hugs)))

Please know that there are many (me included) who are praying for you and who are here if you want to talk.

This totally sucks.

Hillary said...

Oh I am so sorry. This whole thing just sucks. But I'm still holding out for a miracle. Your faith is amazing and inspiring. If anyone is due for a miracle, it's you.

KJ said...

Hey sweetie, I've thought about you all night too. I've been praying for you. I'm so sorry to hear your news. Let me know if you want to talk, I've experienced both outcomes of the beta and am feeling those stages and emotions all over again for you. Of course I'm going to continue to pray for you both as well. Lots of hugs.

Brenna said...

Aw Gabby, I'm sorry. Holding out for news of a miracle...but if not, Hawaii or Vegas sound like decent alternatives. (Funny that you would mention Vegas, that's where DH and I fled to over the holidays this year right after we lost the boys. Just couldn't handle a cozy Christmas surrounded by nieces and nephews at that moment in time.... I'm all for some decadent escapism if need be!) Thinking about you~

sophia said...

Hugs to you and Carlos. You two amaze me with your strength and faith. We love you!

Flower said...

I am so sorry...I am praying that you will have peace soon.

Michele said...

continuing to pray... you are doubling and there is still hope.

hugs...

Erin W. said...

Thinking of you!! This does suck...but IF in general sucks. Hoping you get your miracle!!!

~*JaYmE*~ said...

I'm so sorry. I will be praying for you too. ((((HUGS))))

musicmakermomma said...

Hey hon, sorry you don't have definative news. My first beta I had no idea you could be "sort of" pregnant - another of IFs nasty surprises. But your numbers DID double, and that is huge. It could be your embie just embedded late, sad to say all you can do is wait it out. I'm praying for you, and a strong doubling next beta.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself.